Best Friends Forever? Not If I Kill You First
by My Note Book
Summary: An AU about the crazy adventures of Bilbo, Kili, Fili (mixed with some Thorin and other members of the Company) and their unlikely friendships. Set after the BO5A. No slash.
1. Chapter 1 Wake up!

**Authoress Note:** I knew those boys couldn't be up to any good when I saw them huddled in a circle, throwing me glances when they thought I wasn't looking... Anyway; Hello there, dear reader. Before you continue on, I just wanted to write that this story, is unfortunately an AU. It takes place after the Battle of the Five Armies; it's winter; and Bilbo is staying with them. In fact all the company is spending the winter together in Erebor. Yes, yes, I know. Only trouble can come of it. Also first time writing Bilbo, tell me if I did good?

**Enjoy! **

"Bilbo?" The sleeping form stirs slightly at his name being called, but not enough to awake. "Bilbo!"

"I'm awake!" Bilbo says, sitting up suddenly. Sitting on the bed beside him is Kili, who's smiling at the startled figure.

"Good." He says, standing up.

"Oh, what do you want?" Bilbo asks, allowing himself to fall back onto the bed.

"Oh, no you don't." Kili says, grabbing the halfling's arm and pulling him to his fury feet.

"No." Bilbo sulks.

"Yes." Kili replies.

"What is going on?" Bilbo demands, as he's rudely pushed out of his warm room. He gets no reply, as usual. "At least let me grab a coat."

"Here, use this." Fili says, as he tosses a coat over, that lands on Bilbo's head. Bilbo tries to keep his cool, as he removes the jacket from his face; but he can't stop the growl from coming out when he hold up the overcoat and sees it's three sizes to big.

"I can't wear this." Bilbo exclaims to the brothers.

"It won't matter where we're going." Kili says, throwing his arm around Bilbo's stiff shoulders, to make sure he comes along.

"And where is that, exactly?" Bilbo asks, not really permitting himself to be pulled along, but having no choice as the Dwarf out matches him in strength, height, build, ect.

"You'll see." Fili says, allusively.

**Authoress Note:** What are the boys up to? Tell me what you think in your review ;).


	2. Chapter 2 If I May Ask

**Authoress Note:** Well Bilbo wanted to write some more, so I'll give ya'll a quick chapter before I go and get my hair chopped! **XD** Oh, by the way brief references to getting drunk. It was bound to happen, but if you have little ones or are uncomfortable with it, or whatever, it's just a **warning**; you can decide for yourself.

Bilbo is in no mood to try and deal with this; what with having a massive hangover from the night before and feeling the cold chill running up his legs and arms and frozen fingers...

And he suddenly remembers why he wasn't much of a party animal even when he lived in Hobbiton. "I'm never doing that again." He mutters a promise to himself.

"Say, what's that?" Kili asks, turning his head to the hobbit.

"I said, where are we going?" Bilbo lies.

"Ha, now my dear Mr. _Boggins_, lying is most unbecoming of you." Kili says, with his arm still wrapped around the halfings' shoulders.

Bilbo tries to shrug the arm off, but he fails as he thought he would. "You know what's also unbecoming? Dragging your burglars out of bed at an untimely hour."

"But it's two in the afternoon." Fili informs him.

Bilbo stares at him, surprised.

"That's what's wrong with him today, brother. The poor _Hobbit_ hasn't eaten since last night."

"It is indeed the explanation."

Bilbo's stomach however, disagrees with all of them and as much as Bilbo would like to snack, the tyrant of a stomach he has, just won't allow it. "Even if I wanted something, I don't think I could eat." Bilbo makes a face as his arm curls around his side.

Fili sees this and takes some pity but before he can suggest anything, Kili says, "I told you to stop while you were ahead."

Bilbo stifles at this, "Why don't you feel terrible, right now if I may know?"

"Because I didn't drink that much last night." Kili says, turning and leading him down a hall.

"Oh, how uncharacteristic of you." Bilbo mocks.

**Authoress Note:** ;), I know it's too short, but the next chapter will be longer, and maybe **we'll get to the bottom of what the boys are planning**. You think? Tell me all about it, in the review.


	3. Chapter 3 Kili, I Didn't Mean-

**Authoress Note:** Woah, two chapters in one day. I'm impressed with myself. But to tell truth, I woke up with this scene playing out in my head. Anyway, **here it is, the long chapter ;}**. And I have to say, I love my new hair. I just can't stop running my fingers through it. Uh, sorry, but I love it.

**Enjoy!**

Kili ignores this statement as they walk into the massive kitchens, that one could easily get lost in. Luckily for these boys, they've spent months here and all being big eaters, are very familiar with the large room.

"What are we doing here?" Bilbo asks, involuntary moving closer to the deep fire-pit in the center of the room.

"You, Bilbo, are in charge of making the cake."

"Cake? What cake?"

"The cake for Thorin." Fili answers.

"Why does he need a cake?"

"Because everyone needs a cake." Kili answers Bilbo, a little confused at why the halfing would ask such a question.

"No, I mean-"

"Because it's his birthday." Fili cuts Bilbo off, knowing what he was going to ask.

"Oh." Bilbo says.

"And because it's the first birthday back in Erebor, we thought the Hobbit should be able to make the best cake, you know being a Hobbit and all." Kili gestures to him.

"What?-" Bilbo tries to say, as Fili announces, "I have to go. I leave this task in your very capable hands." He says nodding to Bilbo, as he exits the room leaving behind his brother to help.

Kili just smiles at him. "What will we be needing?"

Bilbo sighs, already rubbing at aching timples. "Uh, flour, milk, eggs, and don't forget the sugar." He calls after the dwarf who's ran into the pantry to retrieve the requests.

Bilbo walks over to a big table and grabs a clean bowl sitting there. He then goes about the kitchen getting the necessary items. Kili walks out of the storeroom, loaded down with the required ingredients, setting them down on the table, one by one.

"Have you ever made a cake before?" Bilbo asks, after everything's been set out.

"Yes." Kili answers and Bilbo silently wonders if what he really made was more a disaster, than an actual cake. "It was actually for Fili, and it was a few years ago, now. Usually Mother's the one that makes them." Kili explains.

"Right." Bilbo answers, as he begins to measure out the contents into the bowl. "I'm gonna need some water." He tells Kili, who's spins around; heading out, grabbing the bucket by the door.

As he works, he builds up a slight sweat in the hot room; which is only making his hangover worse. Kili walks back into the room as Bilbo is string in the last of the milk, causing a sticky substance to form.

"Alright, here it is." Kili says, setting down the burden. "What do you want me to do now?"

"Nothing, but to stay over there." Bilbo says, waving a hand at him. But in the process flung flour into the face of the Dwarf.

After a moment, Kili shocked face fades and instead is replaced with a dangerous look, as he slowly picks up a two eggs sitting on the wood.

Bilbo, who this whole time has been watching him with a look of horror, suddenly realizes what's about to happen as Kili takes a step toward him, eggs in hand.

"Now, Kili, I didn't mean-" But, he gives up trying to defend himself with words and turns to run as the Dwarf grabs him from behind; non to gently smashing the eggs down on his head.

He then proceeds to rub the substance into the Halfings' hair. But the fight takes a different turn, when Bilbo hits in elbow into Kili's stomach, causing the Dwarf to gasp and bend forward. With this new freedom, Bilbo does the only thing he can think of as he grabs the bowl of cake mix and dumps it all on the brunettes head. Kili gasps again as he realizes what's happened.

"Wha-?" Kili asks breathlessly; shocked at the Hobbit.

But the Halfing only takes advantage of the situation again as he rubs the mixture into the brunette's hair, before the Dwarf can stand back up fully and be to tall to reach.

Which is the next thing he does; as he all but hops to the table to grab the metal jar of flour. Bilbo turns to grab the can of milk as the Dwarf tackles him to the ground, where he dumps the flour on the Halfings' face and making sure to pat it well into the curly locks, mixing it with the egg. He's practically sitting on the Halfing as he does this, but Bilbo is not giving up the fight as he grabs handfuls of the ground grain, throwing it up into Kilis' face as well.

Kili sputters as the Hobbit does this, unable to resist the need to wipe away the ruined mess of cake batter that's falling into his eyes. But when Kili does this, it's just the thing Bilbo needs to wiggle out from under the Dwarf. As Kili stands up, Bilbo snatches up the bucket of water and is about to throw it on the brunette when Kili sees this and ducks, as Balin walks in followed close by Dwalin and Nori.

"What is this?" Dwalin asks in his deep accent.

"What happened?" Balin asks, slightly horrified.

But both questions go unanswered as the boys duck their heads in disgrace.

**Authoress Note:** ;), hope you **enjoyed** that; it was so much fun to write. **Review, huh?**


	4. Chapter 4 It Doesn't Go On A Head

**Authoress Note:** So, I hoped you laughed until your sides hurt at the last chapter. Are you ready for more?

**Enjoy!**

"Hurry up. I'm cold."

"Oh, you're cold?" Bilbo asks, mocked seriousness.

After the incident in the kitchen Dwalin had ushered them out and into the bathing room; but the grumpy Dwarf only bothered to fill one tub. So while Bilbo sank into the soothing water, Kili stands over by the fire, trying to not freeze in the cold room that has yet to warm up.

"Yes, I am. So hurry up." Kili bites back.

But Bilbo ignores him as he submerges himself into the water, trying to scrub the dried cake mixture out of his hair. He comes back up and grabs the soap, rubbing it hard into his scalp.

"It was fun though." Kili says, now sitting on a nearby chair close to the fire; not caring (or is it thinking) about the muck he's putting on it, due to the mess of clothes he's wearing. Someone else will clean it up later.

"What was?" Bilbo asks, continuing to wash away the flour.

"A failed attempt at a cake." Kili says, tilting his head back to smile at the Hobbit. "But really, Mr. Boggins, I thought you out of everyone should know that it doesn't go on a head."

"It's less than what you deserve." Bilbo mutters, sinking back down into the warmness.

"Less than what I deserve?" Kili hears the softly spoken words and has something to say about it. "I don't think that's fair."

"You started it!" Bilbo accuses.

"No, I didn't!" Kili defends.

"You were the one who dragged me out of bed!"

The room goes silent as Kili just rolls his eyes and sinks deeper into the armchair. There comes a loud knock at the door and Bilbo looks expectantly over to the languid figure, contently sitting; staring into the fire. Kili then waves a hand at the Hobbit, leisurely, "Get that, will you?"

Bilbo stares at the Dwarf, disbelievingly; yet used to the attitude. "Kili!" He exclaims.

The Dwarf then rolls his eyes, again, getting up. On his way past he puts a hand on Bilbos' head and shoves him down into the water, in a quick, known and easy movement. The Halfing comes up spluttering and quickly retaliates by throwing an empty mug at the brunettes' back. Kili attempts to move out of the way, but his effort fails at it hits him straight on lower back. He's about to respond when a much more powerful pound is heard at the door and a shout about "Let me in, it's cold!"

Kili frowns, allowing the fight to drop for a moment as he walks over to the door and yanks it open. Ori pushes in, past the taller dwarf and immediately over to the fire. Kili then glances up at the sky, ignoring his wet hair for the moment. He smiles, seeing at any time the clouds are about to give way for a snowy blessing.

"Don't just stand there with the door open!" Bilbo screeches, ducking away into the bathtub.

Kili looks over to him with a dull expression, but willing closes the door after a moment. The truth being he likes the cold. It has a way of freezing everything around him, and making his fingers go numb; nose turning a slight pink matching cheeks and ears; but the warm feelings inside outweigh everything else... but he can agree it's not a so wonderful experience when one has wet hair.

As Kili walks past Bilbo makes sure there's nothing the Dwarf could do to cause anymore inconveniences as he grabs the other cup that's already filled with water, holding it up to indicate he's doesn't want any trouble.

But Kili isn't even paying him a mind as his eyes are focused on Ori as the older Dwarf begins pulling out two bundles of clothes.

"Dori said you'd both be needing new clothes." Ori explains. "What happened anyway?" He asks, looking up at both of them.

"Bilbo threw flour in my face-"

"Kili attacked me-"

They both try to answer, blaming the other for everything. But what comes out is a jumbled mess of syllables and sounds more like, "BilboKiliattackedmyface."

"Right." Ori answers them, believing non of it. "Well if you need anything more, just get it yourselves." Ori says, warming his hands one more time before braving the harsh temperatures outside.

Kili rolls his eyes at this but smiles at the shorter Dwarf as he leaves the room, unintentionally slamming the door behind him from the wind.

Bilbo decides that he's had enough time soaking; the water turning to lukewarm now; and grabs a towel from the short table standing by the tub. As he stands up and wraps the towel around him, he keeps an eye on Kili making sure he isn't going to try something. But the Dwarf is back to calmly sitting on his armchair, legs hanging off one side, drawing on a piece of paper he'd found.

The room remains silent as Bilbo dresses himself quickly and Kili lazily glances at the tub, yet to find the will to disrobe in the cold room. So he decides to go without and sinks deeper into the seat, finishing up the lines on the paper.

"Aren't you going to get in?" Bilbo questions, as he is done dressing and begins to pat his hair with the towel.

"...Na." Kili replies without looking up.

"'Na'? Kili, it's your uncles birthday and I don't think he would appreciate it, if you were to show up to dinner tonight... looking the way you do." Bilbo finishes politely.

Kili just glares at the Hobbit not only for the reasoning but for the fact it means he will have to clean himself up.

"Fine." He growls.

He removes his clothes quickly in the chilly place and practically hops into the tub, only to give Bilbo a disbelieving look.

"What?" Bilbo inquires when he notices the look; as he was taking no heed of the Dwarf when he was getting a drink of ale.

"It's cold!" Kili complains, about ready to get out.

"Oh, know you don't!" The Halfing says, coming over fast to put a hand on the Dwarf's head pushing him down completely into the water, much like Kili had done to him.

Kili comes up spluttering but retaliation is lost for Bilbo has already opened the door and is about to leave, only to call over his shoulder, "Wash yourself up!" and with that the door slams shut.

**Authoress Note:** Alrights, one more chapter to go. **Please tell me what you think. **


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